This is kind of ironic, but in celebration of my hiatus from shopping, I waltz to Jack Spade today and got myself something really nice.  Don’t worry AJ, I didn’t get the trash bag.

I’ve been trying to cure my depression with quick retail fixes lately.  To anyone who tries to test the viability of this treatment, there’s a giant CAVEAT on the door you have to read.  But definitely the shopper and bargain hunter in everyone will enjoy the journey.

I should save up really, just to give way to one major retail fix I’ll have in a few months. Â

Ewan ko, but I really have a fixation for Beetles right now.  Especially Volkwagen modified topdown beetles, grrr…

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Update:

This is a picture of the Jack Spade Nylon Day Bag I bought(I got the actual pic from their site www.jackspade.com).  The color is called tank and there are nice surprises inside:  the zippers are just divine and the lining is red orange!

Earlier today, I was packing my bag for work.  I change bags almost everyday, to match my clothes or improve my mood. As I was heading out of my room, I realized that I packed with me two sketchbooks.  I thought to myself, “How am I ever gonna have the time to do this?”  and finally decided to take it out of my bag.

I want to do a lot of things in one day.  It frustrates me to no end that I cannot do it all.  To add to that, I feel like I’m spread too thin that it’s not healthy anymore.Â

Yesterday, an officemate who sits next to me slams me on something that I said.  What’s annoying about it is that he started the topic.  You can’t tell me that I’m masama (cruel) if you’re the one who opened the discussion, that’s just hypocrisy.Â

In general, this person seems like a phoney, anyway.  The way he talks and carries himself, I can tell that he is not genuine.  Still, I got affected yesterday.  I think that the best thing to do is be civil with him.  But I do want to avoid him all-together.  The last thing I need right now is self-doubt, and that’s his effect on me.

I need focus and assurance. 

People would be surprised that I have kept a 20/20 vision all these years.  I used to hang with a group of geeky guys (like me) from college.  They all wore thick spectacles such that I always stood out, in a good way.  Anyhow, I am proud to have kept perfect vision, despite the endless hours in the computer due to my work.

But recently I’ve been having blurred-vision episodes.  Maybe it’s because I’m tired, but there is a possibility that I may need glasses now.  I feel like I just lost a superpower.

I’ve been nerfed!

I met with Vanina for dinner yesterday. She just flew home from a very long assignment in the U.S. I really missed her so dearly. She’s one of my friends from last year that stuck with me all throughout the recent turmoils in my life. More than that, she’s one of the few friends who I knew really understood what I was feeling then. Generally, I just feel relieved that she’ll be more reachable now.

She brought with her this beautiful watch for me. A month ago I asked her to get me one, when she was vacationing in San Francisco (kainggit!). I didn’t even bother giving her a model number. I gave her creative freedom basically, and I didn’t go wrong.  I know that she has good taste.

Here is a picture with me, Vani and KC at Recipes last Thursday. KC, not the Concepcion, is one of my friends who toured Paris with me, the other one being Ian. So I can always say that I toured Paris with KC, and just leave it at that!  Hehe…

In that trip a couple of years ago, KC and I got to the Eiffel Tower on a drizzling day.  As I stepped out of the observatory and into the outside, I found myself alone.  She was in the doorway, not wanting to go outside because of the rain.  I yelled at her with a commanding tone (almost doing a Nora Aunor impression):  “Nandito na tayo sa tuktok ng Eiffel tower!  Lumabas ka diyan at kunan mo ako ng picture!”

A good manager should be calm under pressure, thereby shielding his members from the anxiety of higher management.  Rather than magnify the problem, he should be able to put the problem in its proper perspective.  He should know that low-anxiety employees can think straight.

At any other time, I should be able to quell all these pressures and outside anxieties aside.  But for some reason, I am currently suffering from a major lack of self-esteem.  I can only guess the root of this, although most likely it’s a ripple effect of all the bad things that have passed.  It may be rearing its ugly head deep into my subconscious, again.

Anyhow, the last thing that I need right now is to work under a bad leadership.

Ite-tape ko siya sa pader! Grrr…

These are things that I always lag around when I go out.  The logic to this is that, I live in a big Metropolis.  So when I go out of my house, I really have to bring everything that I could possibly need throughout the day.

Shall I enumerate?!  From top to bottom, left to right:
(Top) The bag that I put  my stuff in.  I have many, and I rarely use the same one consecutively, unless if it’s super new.
(2nd Row) A pair of sunglasses, a hankerchief (Bandana), and an extra bag.
(3rd Row) An umbrella, office ID, inhaler, lip balm, oil control film, cologne, keys, and my digital camera.
(4th Row) My wallet, books, cellphone charger, USB connector, handsfree kit, and a smaller clutch bag where I put my Nintendo DS, games, bluetooth and memory chips.

I failed to put my map of Metro Manila in the picture.  Yes, I know, you all think that I am pushing the boundaries of my mental health here.  In my years of living in this city, I have been caught in one of those situations where I took a wrong turn or two and found myself in a dogdgey neighborhood.  I’m sure that I have enough street-smarts to keep out of trouble and eventually find my way, but I always want to be prepared.  Besides, I’m fantastic with a map! (Did I just rave about myself?!)

I got the clutch bag from Fino.  I don’t remember when though.  Maybe someone mesmerized me to do so =).Â

I don’t bring that many books, maybe only two.  I’m just so excited to have completed my latest collection, the BaleFire series by Cate Tiernan.  I had to hunt them all over town.  Yesterday, I was shopping in Paranaque when I finally got the text message that the rest of the books have been delivered to the bookstore.  I literally dropped everything and raced to Makati to get them (Well, not literally.  I was shopping for a mirror.  It would have been disastrous.).  On the way out from Bibliarch, I looked down to see my all-too-exposed feet in a pair of havaianas, that badly needed a major scrubbing and pedicure.  Urk!

My extra bag is made of cheap material, maybe muslin.  It’s for groceries, or other stuff I buy that may be wrapped in ugly plastic.  The last thing I wanna do is shop around Greenbelt 3 while lagging something ugly I bought from a tiangge. Hehe…  The caption says, “Gitara ko to!  Music lover ako.  Sa sobrang galing ko tinanggal nila ako sa grupo.  Di raw kasi sila makasabay sa akin.”  Very funny and I can so relate, but not in a don’t-hate-me-coz-I’m-beautiful way, or a permutation thereof =).

Every core-energy student knows that the navel point is where the energy we call aura comes from.  In one of the earlier teachings I went through, the mentor called it solar plexus.  But the Solar Plexus is located midway between the navel and the base of the sternum.  So logically, I thought that point is the power source.  But for some reason, I felt that there was something wrong with the idea.  A classic case of confusion between your logic and instinct.

A recent research effort straightened out the facts for me.  The Navel point is indeed the battery of aura in the body, but it is not called the solar plexus, just simply the navel point or chakra.  Whereas the real Solar Plexus is associated with the functioning of the aura field.

Most writers refer to only a single point or chakra, located either at the navel or the solar plexus. However, as you can see, these two centres are quite distinct.

Getting the facts straight really helped out my meditations.  The conscious blocking the sub-conscious, what an irony.

Moon Spirit, do you not know?
That for each passing tide
You wax over my shores each night
The Goddess Sea steals part of mine.

Moon Spirit, do you not sight?
That by each waning time
I’m granted truest night
That gives me hope when stars shine bright

Moon Spirit, do you not feel?
That by each cycle we face
You take my will with such haste
And I surrender in your eternal gaze.

Moon Spirit, please now free me
From the undying shackles of my own heart
So alas I may crumble away
Into the cosmos I’ll find my way…

- Prometheus’ Heart by Anjeluxe

The words just formed in my head this afternoon.  I just had to scribble them down quickly.  I feel like I just stabbed my heart with an old dagger.  The impending pain is all too familiar to me.  The same person… The same pain…  The same feelings…  Talk about going on a major roundabout.  The thing is, I still want this person as my friend at the very least.  It’s just that I’m walking a very fine line when I’m with this friend.  Somewhere along the way, I mistakenly muddied the waters.

I’ve got eyebags you could see from space, and a feeling of light headedness that’s a tad bit short of an out-of-body experience.

A typical start of work week after a long weekend for me.  I get well rested over the free days, then something always comes up on the last night that I end up with just about two hours of sleep, if I’m lucky.

It was not long after I turned off the lights when I had another one of my anxiety attacks last night.  There’s just so many things to worry about these days.  Moreso, I can’t help but worry about my kin, especially the next generation.  This was brought about by some news that Aki reluctantly shared with me.  I just realized now just how hazy the future has become, for some of them.  Ultimately, I can’t help but think that I could have kept tabs on their predicaments, had I not been estranged from their parents.

With all the fiber of my being, I want to help them see the best way.  I’m sorry to say this but, I think their parents are recklessly setting them up for great dissapointments.

It must be the Manhattan meatlovers curdling in my blood that got me all worked up.  We’ve been eating Yellow Cab leftovers till breakfast.

Whoever thought that Europeans were stiff and harder workers than Filipinos had never really worked with one.Â

Our manager called us in today for an urgent meeting to discuss the incoming work in the next few weeks.  Our European counterparts were asking us for estimates on those tasks very very urgently. When we asked for the documentations for the tasks, they had none (Was that an artery I just blew?!).  They expected us to make those estimates given the title and short description of the task.  Our manager fittingly called them Guess-timates. Right now I’ve resorted to touching the LCD screen, hoping against hope that I might trigger a premonition about those documents, ala-Alyssa Milano’s Pheobe Haliwell (The power of three will set us free, the power of three will set us free… it’s no use…  The power of…).

Given this predicament, and my years of experience working with Europeans, I can almost make sure that there will be a lot of similar bumps for the next few months.  Don’t get me wrong, I have European friends and colleagues who I like working with.  I admire they’re detail orientedness and demeanor.  It’s just that it’s going to be summer soon (June, July, August).  I know they cherish those few months under the sun.  Most likely we will get a skeleton crew working with us over the summer.

I kept mentioning this to my teammates during meetings, but to most of them it has not sinked in yet.  I bet they’re still going to be surprised when they find out that their counterpart Bob (not his real name), has gone fishing… FOR TWO MONTHS!

The were just so many people on the road at rush hour today.  A whole lot of them are walking on the opposite direction that we were headed, so it was a big feat for me and my friend Rach to climb up the Ayala MRT station.  By the time we had successfully pushed our way through throngs of pilgrims to SM Makati, we were catching our breaths and perspiring like crazy.  Must… learn… driving… Must… learn… driving…  Commuting… sucks!!!

With low energy levels and depleted neurons, we staggered our way to Tsokonut and decided to have dinner before heading for home.  Rach had been raving about the food there, so we thought it was the best way to lift our spirits.  We gladly made our way to the 2nd level of SM.  Right beside the resto is a Filipino crafts and souvenir store.  Oddly enough, they had a newly installed Videoke System there.  I guess it shows that Filipinos love to sing (Or maybe the shopkeepers were just bored).

All throughout the meal one of the sales people next door (or some crazy tone-deaf fellow) was singing Basil Valdez songs.  We were laughing all throughout, especially the refrains when he would belt it all out and still end up flat.  I was laughing too hard that food went through my nose, twice.  The first one was rice, then when he went for the next song the chicken just went to the other nostril.  I thought Rach would have to do a Heimlich Maneuver on me right then and there.

Tsokonut serves really good food and drinks, just remember to eat while your MP3 player blasts good Pop to avoid any accidents.

The long-awaited office summer outing is going to be held this weekend.  Out of the 120 consultants, a whopping ten is going to the event =).  That includes the bosses of our group.  I am not going as well.

The first problem with office outings, is well, it will involve officemates - people you spend your weekdays with.  Spending an extra day is, for most, excruciating.

With limited budget, these things are commonly confined as a one-day event, as our outing is as well.  So you journey to your point of destination for no less than 3 hours, play some parlor games (Yes we have them at company outings, ’cause according to some lame-o it’s supposed to be fun.), and spend the last couple of hours walking around before the 5 hour trip back (Due to the heavy traffic going back to Manila).

Now having company outings this weekend present a whole other set of reasons not to go, more specifically:

• It’s a 3-day weekend!!! (I’m mentally shouting at the planning committee right now)  People would much rather plan a trip to Bora or Puerto Galera, or stay in bed all day, than cut their weekend with a day trip to some resort they’ve never heard of.Â
• Some people are volunteering for various organizations for the National Elections.  Some of us actually want to have clean elections here in the Philippines.   Civic duties vs. a day in Perky Land, hmmm…
• The weekend before the National Elections is not actually the safest time to explore the countryside.  There is a very slim chance that one might find oneself in the middle of a crossfire between two electoral candidates, you’ll never know.  This reason may seem lame to some but do you know that less people go out on Good Friday, or Friday the 13th?  My reason is unquestionably more valid, isn’t it?

I’m sure for most the trip will be short but still fun.  But I think it’ll be the same level of fun I’ll get by reading the book Shadowmancer (by G.P. Taylor), which I have put off for so long, while cooped up in bed inside my comfy room.

Â

For well over a year and a half now, I have been living my life devoid of any physically present friends outside the workplace.  My friends are either abroad or just plainly absent from my life.  Actually for the latter, I can’t even say that they’re still my friends, considering they dropped out despite my recent turmoils.  I mean, I should’ve at least received moral support, right?

(I had to pause before continuing with another paragraph.  I still get a bit discomposed whenever a thought of that recent past flashes before me.)

My friendships have been reduced to these few lines of banter that we get into on IM:

Insert friend’s name here : musta?

Angelo : ok lang, kaw?

Insert friend’s name here : ok naman, musta lawson?

Angelo : ok lang, masaya naman

Insert friend’s name here : good good.

If that friend is in the same city, I often get these extra lines:

Insert friend’s name here : kita tayo minsan, coffee

Angelo : ok

But as always this last statement is a permanent rain check.  I even changed numbers recently and haven’t told anyone about it.  Why bother?

I understand that contrary to the saying that “No man is an Island,” everyone is alone at some level.  I have just become alone in more ways than one.

My parents always said that the first rain of May is the true Holy Water.  I always thought then that the priests only collected this water for their whole year supply.  It never really occured to me that the clergy could bless ordinary tap water to transform it into agua benedicta =).  But still, this happenning during this time of every year has always been special for me.

I hope the rain drives away the smoldering heat of the past months, and give way to a bountiful and colorful season ahead.  In reflection, I hope it signifies the cleansing of my soul, and healing of my battle wounds.

Sometimes when we like somebody, we just want to know more about them.  Especially when we are admiring that someone from afar, our stalkerish tendencies manifest =).  In this age of the internet, anything pertaining to anyone can be found on the information highway.  Moreso, for someone who is internet savvy, just imagine it threefold, and you get the picture.  Thanks to my past as a Bytekeeper, there is a myriad of tools and sites where I know I can find information on anything or anyone for that matter.  I am no Edward (a fellow Bytekeeper, who’s like the Borg Mother of hackers), but I always had ears for gossip and hands that can type as fast as I can think, so I’m no slacker.

After an hour or so of shimmying my way in and out of the internet, in between doing my blog and uh… research (yeah, research is the operative word), this person’s personal page is finally facing me on Morgan’s screen.  Now the big question is, do I make contact?  It’s so hard not to do so because it’s just a click away.  Even if I overcame the urge this time around, since I now know the actual web address, I’m not sure if I can keep it that way.  I’m thinking since I am in front of the computer most days, just one moment of weakness and then poof! I’ve fallen into the pit of no return.