Career goals are there to direct us in the right path, and I am really thankful that by divine providence, I have somehow reached mine in the nick of time.  This is such a big feat considering that last year, I have even started scrapping all those plans to begin anew.

But I can’t stop just yet.  So I make new plans for myself for the next three years, the continuation of my journey.  I know that this is shorter and more aggressive than the last five year plan that I had set for myself when I was 22, but I think I am up for it.  In one of my correspondences with a friend, she told me that she hopes that I could be manager soon.  I thank her for the praises, but I know that I am not ripe for that yet.  I realized though that as much as my technical side grows, so do my leadership, organizational, and people skills develop.  At this rate, I may be ready for a managerial position in three years time.

Success is not reached through a smooth-laden road though.  There will always be hindrances to that end.  At this point, the biggest rock that blocks my path is the darkness of my own being, created by turmoils of a past not too long ago.  To this day I sometimes find myself drowning in a tidal wave of hopelessness.  The feeling just profoundly cripples me that in the middle of it all, I wonder what is it that’s worth fighting for everyday.

But I know that it is worth it, because digging myself out of this seemingly insurmountable valley of despair is the most important feat.

I always have a problem saying no to people.  Much worse than that, I always feel guilty when I change my mind about some things involving others.Â

One such very recent instance I had is when a once colleague of mine tried to sell me something substantial.  Initially I told him yes, but with a caveat attach.  I further told him not to prioritize me, meaning if someone else is interested, then let that someone have it.  A month passes by and he contacts me again, telling me that he was trying to contact me about the purchase (I changed numbers recently).  When I told him that I will be unable to but it now, he just replied that I should have told him earlier.

This is where my guilt kicks in.  True, I should have told him earlier, despite the caveat I gave him.  But I do know that I am always empowered to change my mind.  I just need to keep reminding myself of that fact.

Coming around the time of my Dad’s passing, I can’t help but think about the last few years without him.  I made the mistake of contemplating how my mother would have lived her last years without her other half.  Stepping into her shoes, and internalizing her situation then, I was faced with a myriad of emotions that she must have dealt with.  And on that one perfect sympathetic moment with her, my heart almost broke.

My mother must have had a very lonely life after my Dad died.  More than that, no one could fully understand what she was going through.  Even I didn’t fully understand her.  She must have felt so alone then.

That is one thing that I regret, that I wasn’t there for her all the time.  In her loneliness, she inadvertently hurt me too.  And I let the rift between us widen, through those years. 

In the end we did bridge that gap, I just regret that we both had to go through so much hurting to fix that.

Fighting the feeling of infatuation over someone can sometimes leave a bit of damage in its wake.  The byproduct of which is a negative energy of frustration, and loneliness.  Somehow it is easier to turn a positive feeling into a negative than vice-versa.Â

That is generally what I’m feeling right now.  The person I like is emotionaly unavailable, at the least.  Hence, the happiness in that regard is deemed unattainable, within the limits of my morals.  But of course the heart does not necessarily recognize what the intellect decides as the limits.  So here I am with a huge ball of negativity building inside me.  Every reminder and every gaze gives but some moments of euphoria, then ultimately feeds into the dark aura I have building inside.

I know that I need to convert this feeling into something positive, or else just release this energy into the universe all together.  This is what I know, but my heart hasn’t caught up yet.  I want to get there now.

It’s the start of work-week again after a 5-day long weekend.  I spent the free days staying at home resting.  The whole intention of staying indoors was so that I could reflect and recharge for the weeks ahead.  I was doing just that until last night.Â

I think I got some sort of anxiety attack the whole evening.  So right now I am running on less than three hours of sleep, and caffeine.Â

Then this morning on my way to work, I was riding the public transpo with some very noisy ladies.  I honestly wanted to tell them to shut up, but of course courtesy withstanding, I did not.  I just let them do their thing for a good 20 minutes, until it was finally my stop.  Thank God for cabs, the rest of the way I just kept to myself and my music.Â

What a way to start the day!

These were powerful days… the days that have passed.  The Holy Week has given me the opportunity to reflect on my recent life experiences.  The silence that these days’ solemnity has granted, forced me to look deep within myself, and I see a completely different person now.

I still have that unwavering inner strength, but I feel that there’s an inner calm now, as well.  I now understand that my strength does not come from a place of rage, but from that of my will.  It is this calmness that have made me cease to need recognition from my family, on my opinions and my stands.

I am more guarded now, I realize.  It’s as if there’s a thin glass that separates me from others.  In the aftermath of everything that has happened, I can’t help but protect my heart.

To the few souls that I have allowed to peer into the window of my shell, they see a spirit that is free and formidable.  I, myself, can say that I feel more free now.  My soul’s wings are soaring higher now, with love and reverence.

The security of committing to someone new eludes me.  My heart is a kaleidoscope of feelings and loves…  ever-colorful and ever-changing…

I will not be the victim of my own weaknesses

nor will I allow myself to be corrupted by my own strengths…

-Dark Rebirth

From time to time, I’ve always reflected if I was too weak or too proud as a person.  Sometimes I find myself basking in the security of my own strength, that I fail to see that I hurt other people.  Trapped in that shell, I ignore signs of possible friendships.  Other times, I feel that my strength wavers, like the light retreating from the shadows.

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There’s just so much a person can spread his wings to reconnect with others, before a bitter aftertaste of embarassment sets in.

I have always been so conscious about crossing that demarcation line.  I have been trying so hard, that I forgot that in the midst of all this… is me.  For those moments that I have been reaching out, I forgot the lesson I learned recently: I am enough to make me happy.

There’s a massive hiatus looming over this reconnection activity that I have been going through, I feel.  Even now, as I form these thoughts, I find myself signing off my IM’s.  It’s just reflex, I guess.

I bought a gift for myself last friday night, the eve of my birthday.  I went to Ambassador’s Appliances, thinking that I would buy an iPod Shuffle, a half an hour later I emerged with a Nintendo DS Lite in tow.  My immediate feeling post-Shopping was disappointment, thinking that I should have at least bought a PSP or a cellphone.Â

That ill-feeling was quickly relieved the next day when I bought my first game.  The performance and creativity of gadget is just far different from any console I’ve owned.

In the tradition of naming my gadgets (Morgan my Laptop, Sky my Cellphone, Kithic my portable DVD),  I dub my DS Alwyn. =)