I ended my stay at the Cybergate Project on a bad note.  I felt like I wasn’t at my best there.  My stay there was an ordeal for me.  I was forced to adjust to a new working environment, at a place that I didn’t want to go to everyday.  The daily commute was hellish.  I had a bad experience years before, it was so bad that I had stopped taking the bus to work since then.  Having no choice but to take the bus to Cybergate everyday, my paranoia got the best of me everytime that just getting to the office was so tiring.

I am finally at the end of my rope now.  My anxiety attack is so bad that the hurt is almost physical.  My stay at Cybergate has been short but has shaken me to the core.  I cannot let anybody hurt me this way.  I am yearning for a cathartic moment, a moment when I can let this all out with cries and screams.  On top of that, I’m truly missing my parents.

At some point today I called upon God to help me through this ordeal, both outside and within.  In a way, I had surrendered my life to him at this point.  It was all I could do short of resorting to something regrettable.  I give thanks to an old friend for reminding me that I always had Him as my Saviour.

I reach into the dark of night, this struggle is not yet over…

Trapped in a weak moment, that is where I am now. It’s around midnight.  I walk around the house, a lot of things on my mind.  I am feeling frustration, uncertainty, as if I am willing time to stop…  willing it to freeze so tomorrow will not come to pass.  I suddenly remember the last time I felt like this, for reasons I no longer recall.  But I remember ending up in the master’s bedroom that night, talking to my mother about my anxieties.

That room is mine now.  My parents are gone.  That last bastion of catharsis and security is gone now.

I just can’t help but shed tears because I greatly miss my mother right now. I am feeling gloomy this sunday evening, not wanting to go to work tomorrow. If she was here, I would have someone to help me sort out these feelings. This is just one of the voids in my life that nobody has filled in her absence. I know I have some friends, brothers and sister to talk to, but it’s not really the same.

Work has been hellish. I think this is the clincher of it all. I’m gonna work it out so that I am well-prepared to leave the Firm before the year ends. Then maybe I can take a few months off and spend it in Davao, to see if I can settle for a job there. That’s one option I’ll look into.

I have always been one to listen to my parents’ guiding voice. Amidst all the independence I’ve had through the years, part of me is lost without them.

Oh Goddess! If there is such a thing, please help me learn it!

Saying no to my boss has always been a problem for me. At the latest, this weakness of mine has caused me to pack my stuff and move to Cybergate on the 3rd of July.

Where is Cybergate? I think that is the point of all my anxiety. Where the hell is Cybergate?! Because I have an inability to say no to my boss, I am now moving to work at some tackily named building in Mandaluyong City. Of course Cybergate is going to be outside Makati City, I think they have laws against naming anything Cybergate there.

It is only going to be a month though. Afterwards I’m going to be shipped to Denmark again.

This company is really to putting a damper on my already waning social life.