I saw one of my closest friends, Rom, a couple of weeks ago. He was with a girl, maybe his girlfriend. I don’t know why but I didn’t feel like approaching him. So I didn’t.

Maybe because it’s been so long since we connected, that I didn’t feel the desire to get re-acquainted. For people who know us from before, it’s very hard to imagine. Maybe we put too much trust in the resilience of our friendship, that we left it unattended for too long. Maybe friendships are not designed to be left that way. Maybe with everything that has happened to me, I actually needed them to be there physically… not just in spirit… not just in words. My life changed without them. I am reborn now, and they are severed from my life forever.

A lot of maybes, a lot of forks on the road that we should have taken to prevent this. But I can’t do anything about that now, not anymore. There’s nothing left but regret. It feels like a previous life to me now.

What does the future hold for me…

It has been months since my last entry. Right now, I am living my life more and writing about it less. I keep on looking outwardly for happiness… for contentment… for hope. I fear that if I face myself, if I look inward, I might find that my sorrows are eating me up inside. I am afraid that I’ll be left with a hollow shell.

I am still with the firm, I didn’t leave. Finally giving that letter to the people concerned gave me a tremendous backlash of regret. I realized I couldn’t leave, not right now. Maybe I’m still too weak, emotionally, among other things. The episodes in my life… my mother passing away… being estranged from one of my brothers… has left me powerless, and misdirected. I am striving to find my old self again, the strong, formidable Id.

In the wake of these wars I’m fighting, both outside and within, I come across new friends. I’m really thankful that I have them now, especially one that has been surprisingly heart-warming. This person really puts a lot of attention to me, to my thoughts, to my problems. I hope this friend is sincere. My empathy, my learned insight, which I have come to trust all these years, is useless with this person. I think I am clouded by my attraction.

Right now, I am threading new waters. But perhaps it is the original path I had intended to take. I face it with new resolve.