We are the true architects of our lives. Only we as individuals and individuals alone, carry within us, the inner ability to make any changes to its blueprints. - Robert M. Hensel

Mediocrity sets in when a person surrenders his right to navigate his fate to another entity.  Let’s say to lay the blame of non-progress to your firm, government or even poverty, that’s surrendering your individual mastery over your own destiny to them.

This is how I think about it: although He has given all these guidelines and laws, and He put the universal karmaic law in the universe, even God granted men free will.  I take that as a hint.  We are ultimately the masters of our fate.

Last Sunday, I woke up with a hunger - a hunger for something better in an aspect of my life.  The feeling has not left me since.  I think this is a pain that I will continue to bear until I have settled into a new path

Time to face this challenge again, with hunger and passion this time.

With hunger and passion

Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment. - Buddha 

I found that the times when I feel true contentment and peace is when I just stop and sit still, and try to exist in the moment.  Those have always been my moments of clarity.

You see, the past always brings with it regrets, and the future, uncertainty.  I’m not saying that we should not plan for the future or learn from the past.  No.  What is essential for us not to do is dwell on it, or be crazy paranoid about it.  I am always guilty of feeling this way, but I have learned to press that “STOP!!!” button in me and not be entangled in my own temporal distortion.  People can’t exist in the past or the future, much less try to exist in all three tenses.  But sometimes (metaphorically) we try to.  We get  stressed and confused, and ultimately end up moving in circles.

Speaking of time, I had a realization this morning.  This career took me away from my parents and family - the people that matter.  Now some of them are gone, and those years (early 2000 to 2005)  are time that I can’t get back.  This leads me to wonder - At best I will be waiting for another year for my career to go somewhere.  If so, then is this going to be another year wasted?  If that’s the case, then am I doing a disservice to the people that mattered in my life who are not with me anymore?

For one split second, she almost turned around
But that would be like pouring rain drops back into a cloud
So she took another step and said
“I see the way out and I’m gonna’ take it”

I don’t wanna spend my life jaded, waiting
To wake up one day and find
That I’ve let all these years go by wasted

Excerpt from the song Wasted by Carrie Underwood

Time is precious, but it definitely holds more meaning to people who have experienced loss.  Unfathomably more precious.

Got this message on the mail today

If you do the possible, you don’t need miracles. Move beyond the borders of the possible.  Get into the realm of the impossible.  Here you will find God in a more obvious way.

This message comes to me in a most timely manner. 

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Uncertainty and mystery are energies of life. Don’t let them scare you unduly, for they keep boredom at bay and spark creativity. - R. I. Fitzhenry

There are some goings-on in my life that elicit a certain air of uncertainty.

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I saw my former Supervisor at SM this evening.  The chance encounter led to about 30 or so minutes of catching up right in the middle of the mall until it closed.  I realized how much I missed my friends there.  Ms. Irene was really like a mother to us, for one.  We also talked about this manager there who I got into a tiff with back then.  We did patch it up though near the end of my stay, bonding over daily breakfast runs at a nearby food joint.

I kept thinking, on the way home afterwards, why I stopped corresponding with them in the first place.  I think at some point there, when I transferred to my next job, I got swept away by the excitement.  I looked forward and moved on.  I think now that I moved on too fast.  I realized that partially I also let myself get swept away by the new endeavors.  I realized that I just wanted to quickly pile over those bad memories with new ones.  I ran so fast until I reached Greenland, so to speak.

Same thing with my transition from high school to college.  I had a not-so-good four years in high school, in general.  But the last few months I guess I opened up to my classmates, lessened the geek that I am and just enjoyed life.  Even cried during farewells.  True to the tale, someone wrote as a dedication on my class picture: “Too bad it’s only now that we knew about the true Angelo.“  After graduating I moved on and (almost) never looked back.  Over the course of a few years, and much more recently, I have been hesitant and altogether decided not to go to high school reunions and such.  This thing also popped into my head when I headed home.

I find that the farther you are from the memories and the people associated with it, in terms of time and place, most of the time the good memories are masked by a pang of negative feelings.  Like an astronaut looking at the Earth from outer space, he only sees the most glaring details.  To me, the bad feelings become the glaring details of the past.  In my heart, they get defined by it.  I guess my subconscious decides to push back the memories, both the good and the bad altogether.  It’s a survival mechanism, I guess.

I was pondering about this until I got home.  Finally, when I checked my personal e-mails I  read this

Don’t let resentments block blessings from flowing freely into your life. Always forgive.

First of all, I love my life.  I realize something important and I get instant affirmation from my mailbox!  Who gets daily affirmation from their mail, on almost a daily basis?!?

Anyway, I know that what happened is nothing important now.  I guess I’ve forgiven them.  Heck, I even wish the best for them.  Right now, I am actually in that place where I wish the best for all my past enemies and frenemies.  But I guess I have neither forgiven myself nor the very memory of it.  That’s what I must confront now.

I guess what I learned from this evening is that yes, it’s good to move on and look toward a better tomorrow in the wake of bad things that happen.  That’s almost how we live to tell the tale.  But as soon as you are in a place of peace in your life, it’s good practice to go back and reflect on the bad stuff that’s happened.  Examine yourself if underneath that peace, the wounds have been truly cleansed and healed.  Remember as well, that only absolute forgiveness, of the other person, of oneself and the experience can one truly be free from resentment.

My heart is truly feeling lighter after writing this piece.  Praise God.

Treating today as “Me” day, I got to thinking about the past few weeks that have gone by.  I think I now know why I’ve been feeling a bit discontented and frustrated about my work.  I mean, sure there are lots of setbacks in my job and the firm, but these things didn’t always get to me.  Well, before I used to obsess about my work a lot but that feeling went away and I was content for a time.  Now that feeling is back.

Then it hit me.  For the past few months, I have not been doing anything else but work, or be at work.  On my free days, I just stay home or go to the local mall.  I have not traveled or attended any productive activity.  If I was a river I would be this steady force, focused on one path.  I know that I’m the type of person who needs to be well-rounded.  I’m a person who needs to be multitasking different productive activities, else I get burnt out.  I just forgot about these thing, I guess.

A few days ago I have been toying with the idea of getting into business.  Not the passive income yielding stuff, a more of a semi-active endeavor.  I am actually setting this up with a business partner, a relative.  So, that’s going to be exciting.  I’m excited, enthusiastic and optimistic about this.  This is going to push through.

It didn’t end there…

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Stole this from my friend Arlene’s Instant Message status

There comes a point in your life when you realize who matters, who never did, who won’t anymore, and who always will. So don’t worry about people from your past, there’s a reason why they didn’t make it to your future.

This hit a nerve when I read it today.

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We are all motivated by a keen desire for praise, and the better a man is, the more he is inspired to glory.
- Cicero

I guess these words hit me when I read it because professionally, a lot of the people I know have not felt like they are receiving enough praise and recognition… or acknowledgement.  You know, self-motivation can only get you very far.  From time to time, you will always need someone outside your circle of influence to recognize the good work that you do - in words or in the form of compensation.

There is only one success - to be able to spend your life in your own way.
- Christopher Morley

This is a very serious thought to ponder.  Since I read this, it has lingered in my head.

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It rained almost relentlessly this morning that I had a lot of trouble going to work.  Actually, as soon I woke up I felt that this day wouldn’t be so great.  Then one thing led to another that as I got to the office I was convinced that I should’ve stayed in bed today.  Having said yes to a dinner meeting with friends later notwithstanding, I wanted to make this day as short as possible.

I couldn’t help but wonder, where does that side of me that’s formidable go in hiding on a day like this?

Reality check… I am one who reads the signs.  I know that there is no such thing as coincidences.  Circumstances are threads in the tapestry that is the Universe.  The Universe always points the way, yet when I find that some things are starting to go south my mood does to.  Sometimes I become a slave to the signs, when in fact it should be otherwise.  I am still the master of my fate, as we all are.

There is still one best way to predict the future, and that’s to create it.

It first happened when I was at the Davao International Airport on my way home.  I got my tickets on Go Lite rates, meaning I wasn’t supposed to have check-in baggage.  I had to check-in my trolley though due to airport regulations, so I had to pay an extra 300Php.  As my bag was being weighed I looked at the counter and it read 8Kg, about 7 kilos underweight.  I was thinking what a waste but no matter.  Then a couple of old ladies came by the other counter.  They were being accompanied by a man who was pleading to let the old ladies go with 5 extra kilos of baggage.  I looked at the women and you could see clearly that they didn’t have the money to pay for the overweight.  I was thinking to myself:  what if I offer the extra weight that I paid for.  I was hesitant because I didn’t know if it was even allowed - you know, airport regulations.  That moment of hesitation was just enough to pass up the opportunity to help them.  They went away.  They were on the same flight as mine.  Everytime my eyes chanced upon them, my heart would sink a little bit.  I just decided to say a prayer and asked God to help them on their way.

Sometimes we get so caught up in our own miseries that we fail to see the greater sufferings that other people endure.  That compared to other people, our miseries are but nuisances and discomforts.

Today I was on a public transportation on my way to work when a peculiar-looking man got on the jeep I was riding along Sucat Road.  I immediately saw a plastic bag on his side carrying a yellow substance.  I vaguely recognized it as rugby, which some street people get addicted to.  He was holding a cardboard that had something written on it.  As some people read it I saw the discomfort on their faces.  Then, to my surprise, some of them started giving out money to this man.  They must not have seen the plastic of rugby this person was carrying, I thought to myself.  I prayed to God then.  I asked him to show this man to the right path.  Finally the man stepped out of the jeep.  Then people started to talk.  What I found out in the next moments brought me to write this blog.  The man had an intestinal disease and was asking for help.  I realized then that the bag I saw was not rugby, but from an operation.  I had just misjudged the situation.

I know that I am a different person now.  But it is just disheartening to realize that from then ’til now, I lost my charitable heart.  That along the way, from where I was then ’til where I am now, I have lost many things - trust in people, the perspective that people are naturally good, and ultimately the heart that readily gives.  Nonetheless, I thanked God that he opened my eyes to this so that I may walk towards regaining the virtue of Charity.

When you don’t have the heart for what you are doing, you are easily discouraged. - Rick Warren

Reading this, I wonder if I am on the right path in my career.  After the week that has passed, admittedly I am a bit discouraged about things.  I am not completely down, but the fort is crumbling…

Don’t waste your life in a job that doesn’t express your heart.

There are opportunities outside to be discovered.  There are changes going on in my Family and business that have opened for me new options.  I am aware that I actually have a choice.  There is a lot to think about in the next couple of days…

In any case, have a blessed weekend everyone

In my mind, I want to picture myself  being there right now.

In Nyhavn, Copenhagen… less chaotic times.  A time when it was about hardwork, enjoyment, friendships… unspoiled by politics and talentless leadership.

I was 24 years old when this was taken.  Like I said, simpler times.

But I may just be in a gloomy mood.  I’m not too shabby right now either.

Haays, just a few more days then I’ll be in Cebu for my first leg of short trips this summer.

I heard myself set a mean tone towards some people at the office for the nth time this week.  This is not good.  This is not me.  The stress of the past few weeks has turned me into an angry person.  Maybe not angry (…yet) but an almost constantly annoyed and impatient one.

Maybe I’m not happy with what I’m doing with my job (anymore).  Maybe I am wanting a change.  Maybe it’s just a phase.  I hope it’s just a phase…

It is said that people tend to focus on the bad things when they come, and the good things tend to grow dim in the background.  I am a grateful person.  Ironically, I am a person who pays homage to my own place in this world with sheer reverie.  I should remind myself of that. Why am I letting petty things keep me away from feelings of content and joy?!?

I would like to make a blanket apology to all those I’ve crossed, in a bad way, while I’ve been in this temperamental state…

Update 02/19:  Scratch some of that apology.  People shouldn’t penalize me for doing the jobs that they were supposed to do.  I am just looking out for my team.  How do you spell ball-less bosses?!?

Ayoko na.

It’s like I have been living outside myself for a couple of days now.  The thing is, there is a huge fork on the road, career-wise, and I know that it’s still in the future; yet it’s as if my essence is already dwelling where my body (and all physical environment) is still trying to catch up.

It frustrates me a wee bit to be waiting for something to happen.  To wait and then find that your drive and everybody else’s are not quite in sync - is frustrating.  Though to some, I may be in a very good place in that regard, but to me the pace is just too slow.  A question of perspectives, I guess.

Then there’s this other thing, that other proverbial choice.  There are things that are going to happen that may as well be the other recreation of the big bang theory (in a good way), in my life at least.  When a relative asked me if I would still keep everything as is (my job etc.), I said yes.  That answer was made rather quickly, I guess.  At this point, I’m not so sure about that answer anymore.  And this second-guessing is keeping me off my game.  I’m not good at second-guessing, you see; I thrive on instinct.  I feel that my instincts, at their best, are aligned with what good things the Universe is sending out to me.

I said a little prayer during lunch today.  I simply asked

God
Help me exist in the present,
and in silence where you dwell.

Then I quietly and discreetly meditated on this while my friends chatted about.  I know they’re worried about me.  I’m glad there’s this weekend to sort all of this out.

Good Weekend everyone

For the people who don’t remember, Julia Campbell in wikipedia reads

Julia Campbell (1967 - April 2007) was an American journalist. She disappeared on April 8, 2007 while working as a U.S. Peace Corps volunteer in the Philippines.

I found out that she has a blog, Julia In the Philippines, which she regularly updated until the time she disappeared.  It’s a good read actually, up until the date that she disappeared.  Then you can’t help but be sad.

But as Mr. OAP said, what she wrote is her legacy.  She’ll live forever in our minds because of it.

I have been dragging my feet since Tuesday (especially with blogging), but reading her blog and OAP put me back up on my feet.  It made my brain start working again, so to speak.  In his blog entry entitled Why Blog he said

To Live Forever.  Julia Campbell is not dead. She is alive in her blog, just read Julia in the Philippines. If I only have 24 hours to live, one of the things that I would do is write my last blog post. I would write a blog post that would forever inspire the next generation of Filipinos. I would write a blog post that would forever express my gratitude to God, Family and all the people who influenced me along the way. This is why I try to write each of my blog posts as if it were my last.

I am starting to wonder

What would my last words be to the world?  What would I want my legacy to be?