I saw my former Supervisor at SM this evening. The chance encounter led to about 30 or so minutes of catching up right in the middle of the mall until it closed. I realized how much I missed my friends there. Ms. Irene was really like a mother to us, for one. We also talked about this manager there who I got into a tiff with back then. We did patch it up though near the end of my stay, bonding over daily breakfast runs at a nearby food joint.
I kept thinking, on the way home afterwards, why I stopped corresponding with them in the first place. I think at some point there, when I transferred to my next job, I got swept away by the excitement. I looked forward and moved on. I think now that I moved on too fast. I realized that partially I also let myself get swept away by the new endeavors. I realized that I just wanted to quickly pile over those bad memories with new ones. I ran so fast until I reached Greenland, so to speak.
Same thing with my transition from high school to college. I had a not-so-good four years in high school, in general. But the last few months I guess I opened up to my classmates, lessened the geek that I am and just enjoyed life. Even cried during farewells. True to the tale, someone wrote as a dedication on my class picture: “Too bad it’s only now that we knew about the true Angelo.“ After graduating I moved on and (almost) never looked back. Over the course of a few years, and much more recently, I have been hesitant and altogether decided not to go to high school reunions and such. This thing also popped into my head when I headed home.
I find that the farther you are from the memories and the people associated with it, in terms of time and place, most of the time the good memories are masked by a pang of negative feelings. Like an astronaut looking at the Earth from outer space, he only sees the most glaring details. To me, the bad feelings become the glaring details of the past. In my heart, they get defined by it. I guess my subconscious decides to push back the memories, both the good and the bad altogether. It’s a survival mechanism, I guess.
I was pondering about this until I got home. Finally, when I checked my personal e-mails I read this
Don’t let resentments block blessings from flowing freely into your life. Always forgive.
First of all, I love my life. I realize something important and I get instant affirmation from my mailbox! Who gets daily affirmation from their mail, on almost a daily basis?!?
Anyway, I know that what happened is nothing important now. I guess I’ve forgiven them. Heck, I even wish the best for them. Right now, I am actually in that place where I wish the best for all my past enemies and frenemies. But I guess I have neither forgiven myself nor the very memory of it. That’s what I must confront now.
I guess what I learned from this evening is that yes, it’s good to move on and look toward a better tomorrow in the wake of bad things that happen. That’s almost how we live to tell the tale. But as soon as you are in a place of peace in your life, it’s good practice to go back and reflect on the bad stuff that’s happened. Examine yourself if underneath that peace, the wounds have been truly cleansed and healed. Remember as well, that only absolute forgiveness, of the other person, of oneself and the experience can one truly be free from resentment.
My heart is truly feeling lighter after writing this piece. Praise God.
